Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Abby ~ Part 1

We hadn't been married a full year when we discovered I was pregnant.  It was a Sunday morning in mid December and we had a positive pregnancy test ~ We were thrilled. I felt that God was bringing the pieces together to knit our family into something amazing. 

We started to tell some people about the pregnancy ~ others we left until the "safe" 12 week mark.  As a MFT I was anxious about telling my clients at the appropriate time ~ enough in advance to allow for the news to sink in, but not so early that I was not protected.  Most of my clients took the news well ~ and they all prepared for me to be on maternity leave. 

The pregnancy progressed normally ~ everything was fine.  I had a few symptoms of morning sickness ~ but I managed pretty well.  

We learned at 20 weeks that we were having a girl and immediately began the process of naming her.  Shadrach and I spent quite some time deciding that her name would be Abigail Elizabeth ~ Abigail meaning "Father's joy" and Elizabeth after my mom who had passed away a couple of years prior.  I love her name.  I love to think that she is the joy of God and of Shadrach.

On August 9, 2009 I woke up really early believing that I was in labor.  After talking to the doctor we were told to go on to the hospital and get checked.  As it was a week earlier than my c-section was scheduled I wasn't packed and ready.  I wasn't supposed to be in labor at all ~  As we drove to the hospital we chatted away believing that our daughter would be born that day.  This pregnancy was finally done and our sweet girl would be in our arms.  

When we got to that hospital I was taken into a room to be monitored ~ the nurse put a monitor on my belly and couldn't find the heartbeat.  A doctor came into the area with an ultrasound machine, and after struggling to get it turned on, he didn't find a heartbeat.  That is when they brought in a specialist and we heard the words "I am sorry, there is no heartbeat".  We lost our baby girl at 39 weeks and 5 days.  

My world quickly fell apart ~ I spiraled into a depth of pain that has no words.  I had just been to the doctor less than 48 hours prior and my baby was perfect. What could have gone so wrong.  I began to question what I had done to have God take away my baby girl.  What did I not do that I should have done ~ so many questions without answers.  

About 3 hours later my daughter was delivered through a c-section.  I don't have memories of the surgery because I was sedated.  I know that my husband was sitting by my side, and I know that I  awoke to my doctor telling me that Abby was beautiful. 

My doctor was right ~ Abby was beautiful.  She was perfectly formed and beautiful ~ and she was not going home as we planned.  She was "sleeping".  She would forever be sleeping.  

This is the beginning of our story of the depths of hell and the return to our "new" normal...


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