Sunday, May 5, 2013

Mother's Day.... a week it is Mother's day. 

There are so many reminders of it...flower stores, ads through email, ads on Facebook. All of them constant reminders of the thing that I don't have;  Abby.  As if I need another reminder...

I think that I don't want to hate Mother's day, but I think that I might ~ In my head I know that it is just another day, but in my heart it is a reminder of my failure as a mom; that I couldn't keep my child safe.  

For me it should be just another Sunday....However, it won't be.  I will be thinking about all the mom's that get cards and gifts. I will be wondering what my friend's families will be doing for them.  I will be thinking about what I would be doing for my mother if she were alive, and I will be thinking about my daughter.  What she would be like today and...I will be sad.

I don't know what to do with that day... 

As a therapist I know that answer...I will be reminding myself about good self-care, allowing myself to feel, allowing for the sadness.  I will be extra nice to myself, and cherish the love that my husband gives.

and..I will miss Abby, miss my mom and be among the many that are missing their angel babies as well.  

Monday, February 13, 2012

Abby ~ Part 2

I don't remember getting back to my room after the surgery ~ 

I do remember a nurse that I hadn't seen before asking if I wanted to see my daughter, and when I replied she was placed in my arms where she fit perfectly.  Abby was so small and light ~ and she fit absolutely perfectly! 

My daughter was resting in my arms and she will never know what it is like to be held by me.  My daughter, whom I love, will never know my kisses on her forehead or my touch. I would never hear her cry or her laugh.  I would not see her take her first steps or fall ~ see her eat her first birthday cake.  I would never get to know my daughter on this earth.

Our nurse took Abby after a little bit and gave her a bath.  I loved the way she smiled at Abby and took such good care of her. The images of that remain in my heart as such a touching moment, and yet, I would never get to give Abby a bath.  I wouldn't ever get to dress her, feed her or rock her to sleep.  There were so many things that I would never get ~ I would never live the dream that was my Abby. 

During that afternoon we had some family come by and a few friends.  We had a photographer come in from Now I lay me down to sleep ~ he was so respectful and took some amazing shots of Abby.  I am forever grateful to have those.  We held Abby and we spent the next few hours saying our good-byes.  

At about 6 that evening the nurse came and rolled my baby girl to the morgue....I thought my heart was broken forever.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Abby ~ Part 1

We hadn't been married a full year when we discovered I was pregnant.  It was a Sunday morning in mid December and we had a positive pregnancy test ~ We were thrilled. I felt that God was bringing the pieces together to knit our family into something amazing. 

We started to tell some people about the pregnancy ~ others we left until the "safe" 12 week mark.  As a MFT I was anxious about telling my clients at the appropriate time ~ enough in advance to allow for the news to sink in, but not so early that I was not protected.  Most of my clients took the news well ~ and they all prepared for me to be on maternity leave. 

The pregnancy progressed normally ~ everything was fine.  I had a few symptoms of morning sickness ~ but I managed pretty well.  

We learned at 20 weeks that we were having a girl and immediately began the process of naming her.  Shadrach and I spent quite some time deciding that her name would be Abigail Elizabeth ~ Abigail meaning "Father's joy" and Elizabeth after my mom who had passed away a couple of years prior.  I love her name.  I love to think that she is the joy of God and of Shadrach.

On August 9, 2009 I woke up really early believing that I was in labor.  After talking to the doctor we were told to go on to the hospital and get checked.  As it was a week earlier than my c-section was scheduled I wasn't packed and ready.  I wasn't supposed to be in labor at all ~  As we drove to the hospital we chatted away believing that our daughter would be born that day.  This pregnancy was finally done and our sweet girl would be in our arms.  

When we got to that hospital I was taken into a room to be monitored ~ the nurse put a monitor on my belly and couldn't find the heartbeat.  A doctor came into the area with an ultrasound machine, and after struggling to get it turned on, he didn't find a heartbeat.  That is when they brought in a specialist and we heard the words "I am sorry, there is no heartbeat".  We lost our baby girl at 39 weeks and 5 days.  

My world quickly fell apart ~ I spiraled into a depth of pain that has no words.  I had just been to the doctor less than 48 hours prior and my baby was perfect. What could have gone so wrong.  I began to question what I had done to have God take away my baby girl.  What did I not do that I should have done ~ so many questions without answers.  

About 3 hours later my daughter was delivered through a c-section.  I don't have memories of the surgery because I was sedated.  I know that my husband was sitting by my side, and I know that I  awoke to my doctor telling me that Abby was beautiful. 

My doctor was right ~ Abby was beautiful.  She was perfectly formed and beautiful ~ and she was not going home as we planned.  She was "sleeping".  She would forever be sleeping.  

This is the beginning of our story of the depths of hell and the return to our "new" normal...

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